Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need

Independence can be both a blessing and a bane. M. Nora Klaver describes its drawbacks in a charming tale about an epiphany she experienced while traveling on a plane. Her luggage had become wedged between the seats, and as she struggled in vain to free it, a kind stranger offered to help her. A stubbornly independent Klaver repeatedly refused his help and made a fool of herself in the process. The experience exposed a weakness she had not previously been aware of–an inability to receive–that set her on a journey of healing. 

The focus of Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2007, $15.95) is to teach readers a handy new method of asking for help, another form of assertiveness. The author endeavors to accomplish this through a seven-step protocol. 

• Step One: “Name the Need” involves identifying the area in which the reader needs assistance. 
• Step Two: “Give Yourself a Break” discusses the importance of compassion for others and oneself. 
• Step Three: “Take a Leap” encourages the reader to have faith in the process. 
• Step Four: “Ask!” delineates the “who, how and when” of asking for help. 
• Step Five: “Be Grateful” urges us to be mindful of our gratitude. 
• Step Six: “Listen Differently” discusses listening skills and suggests defusing one’s emotions from the process of listening to one’s response, and going beyond hearing the simple “yes” or “no” reply after requesting help from another. 
• Step Seven: “Say Thanks” is a cursory discussion of the laws of reciprocity. 

Unfortunately, I found the method neither new nor handy. Its “newness” fades with a quick search of assertiveness books. There are approximately 54 titles available on the subject, most notably Alberti and Emmons’ book Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living (Impact Publishers, 1986). These authors start by addressing the differences between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness. Next they focus on telling the reader how to get her needs met by asserting herself, in other words, asking for help.

Indeed, this is the theme of most assertiveness books and scientific investigations on the subject. Most assertiveness training materials easily combine the art of asking for help with skills aimed at learning to say “no” when one cannot fulfill a request. Therefore, Klaver has only provided half of what one can glean from other resources since she does not address the issue of saying “no.” 

Furthermore, Klaver’s Mayday! model is quite unhandy. I think most people would agree that when attempting to change a long-standing behavior (such as habitually not asking for help), less is more. Trying to recall seven steps instead of three, for instance, would be difficult to manage. 

Moreover, there is virtually no scientific evidence supporting her methods. Not only did she not cite any other assertiveness books in her bibliography, she lists no scholarly research whatsoever. I find this aspect of Mayday! the most troubling. I believe it is irresponsible to suggest to other people a method of behavioral change without any evidence that the treatment works. As a licensed clinical psychologist, I only employ techniques which have been empirically validated. It is always in the client’s best interest to do so. 

Of course, Klaver may have found anecdotally that this method benefited her clients, but empirical evidence of the methodological effectiveness of the techniques suggested in this book is clearly lacking. And unfortunately, there is no advantage to using a technique that has not undergone scientific scrutiny; So, just like the character depicted by Jonathan Evans in the cover art of the book, Klaver seems to stand alone in the vast sea of self-help titles without waving semaphore flags to the formidable community of authors who have written on this subject before her. 

However, I did find some virtue among the pages of Mayday! For instance, Klaver acknowledges the importance of feeling fear and taking risks, essentials in the change process. In addition, she notes the importance of compassion for oneself and others in the chapter entitled “Give Yourself a Break.” 

I believe Ms. Klaver missed the mark of a potentially useful resource on self-compassion and risk-taking; along the traditions of the third wave cognitive behavioral therapies. With appropriate research and references, Klaver might have been able to provide a fresh approach to assertiveness by sticking with this theme.